You don't have asthma, your pregnant
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
