just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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