I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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