My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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