i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
