Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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