Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
how do you play pong handcuffed?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
