So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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