Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
