Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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