New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
