so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
