We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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