it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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