why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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