Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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