I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
