My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
