fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
