overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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