i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize