She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
