So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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