My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
