Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
