I want to have your abortion
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize