I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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