I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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