make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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