this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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