my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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