Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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