I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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