I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
