So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
