Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize