the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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