do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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