Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
