My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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