the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
