you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
