The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
