your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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