did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I wish I only lived at night.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
