i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
