ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
