I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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