my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
