When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
