Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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