I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
