My friends, they love my intelligence
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
