May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
50% drunk capacity currently
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
