last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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