dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
