im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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