Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
