guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
