Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
