I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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