I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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