i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
