the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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