I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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