remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
