Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
