Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
