I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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