Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
